The sea and erratic thought

For as long as I can remember, I have been an active sleeper; I sit up, I talk coherently and I’ll even walk around sometimes. There have been numerous occasions I’ve woken up in completely different clothes the ones I fell asleep in and have no recollection of changing. Apart from the odd occurrences where I’ve had something similar to night terrors, my over-active imagination doesn’t bother me and I find it amusing.

I volunteered to have the child’s room with bunkbeds in this cottage as last time we were in St Ives my brother pulled the short straw and got the small room. I thought this wouldn’t be a problem until I realised that there was not enough room for me to sit up on the bottom bunk and the top bunk had enough height for me to fall off and break bones. After debating for five minutes which would be safer, I decided the bottom bunk would be my safest bet. This went really well until my unconscious self sat up and I clocked my head on the mental frame and saw birds flying around my head, ouch. I slept the remainder of the night on the top bunk but I didn’t rest well, worried about falling out of bed or going for a midnight wander.

Waking up feeling far from rested at 6AM, I think I’ll put the mattress on the floor for the rest of my stay!

Today has been wonderful so far, I spent an hour walking around the town and coastal paths with my dad watching birds and scoping the area for running paths. My dad is not what the Buddhists refer to as “monkey-minded” like I am; he doesn’t think much and he definitely doesn’t talk much which meant there was no pressure to make conversation that wasn’t there. My dad and I aren’t close for a number of reasons, but it was really nice to spend time together without drama. It made me feel like perhaps our relationship isn’t as fractured as I thought.

I then went food shopping for a few items before stopping at the library to get some work done. Though there isn’t an overwhelming amount of options for a meat and dairy-free foodie, there are far more choices than back at home. There’s even an organic vegetarian restaurant on the harbour-front with more than one vegan option and all vegan puddings. It’s a little pricey so not something to visit every evening, but it is my 21st birthday while I’m here so I will definitely be letting out notches on my belt to eat there that evening.

After I finished up some work, I brought my laptop home and got changed for the beach. It isn’t as cold as my pictures probably make it look, but I was warm enough in my shorts and hoody. I strolled up and down the beach, barefoot with my feet in the water and I felt such joy from something so simple. Admittedly, my emotions were a little erratic; jumping from moments of sheer enjoyment of being on the beach in my own company and with no distractions like my iPod, to being anxious for the exact same reasons.

I rode it through, just like I would sit quietly on the back of my horse if she was getting over-emotional and panicky, being careful to not make her feel wrong but also calmly prevent her from getting stuck in a negative pattern. I would acknowledge my fear and just as quickly as it came, I would allow it to leave by reassuring myself that this was good for me and I would be able to cope with whatever I was fretting about.

After walking along this beach (top right on the photo above) I booked my first ever surfing lesson for tomorrow and strolled to the harbour and walked through it as the tide was out. I walked to directly below the harbour wall (below right on the photo above) and recalled that the local kids would regularly jump from the top when the tide was in (the tide comes in level with the arrow I put on the picture). I caught myself thinking, “I could never do that, it looks scary” so you know what? In the spirit of not letting my fear be my driving force in my life, I am going to jump from the top of there. I hate heights, I hate not being able to see the bottom of the body of water I’m in, but I hate the thought of my fear being at the wheel more.

I have no logical reason to be afraid as my dad has said he’ll be waiting in the harbour for me just in case something goes wrong, but fear in our 21st century Western society is rarely logical. They say doing something that scares you on a regular basis is the foundation for expanding your comfort zone and growing as a person, so this is why I’ll be taking the lead from the St Ives local teenagers and flinging myself in the water after perhaps 2 minutes of buckled knees and heart palpitations at the top. I am both equal parts petrified and excited!

I meditated 30 minutes after lunch on an oversized foot stool in the living room. Apart from my lower back complaining of a lack of support (when was the last time I sat cross-legged on a backless chair with my back straight anyway?), it went very well. I will do another 30 minutes later before I go to sleep. I was going to go for a run this evening when the town quietens down again, but the guy at the surf shop warned me I’d need my strength tomorrow if it was my first time learning to surf so I’m taking it easy tonight.


4 thoughts on “The sea and erratic thought

  1. “They say doing something that scares you on a regular basis is the foundation for expanding your comfort zone and growing as a person”
    This totally makes sense! I must do more scary things… :s damn

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